there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
