thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
