I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
