i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
