things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
