Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
