just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
