The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
