I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
