Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize