thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
