I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
