I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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