guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
