i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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