He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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