omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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