I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
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