I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
