when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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