Fine. I'll sleep in my office
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
