Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
