Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
