is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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