I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
