Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
