She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you inspire me to be a worse person
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
