i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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