Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
