Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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