Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
