I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
