This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize