I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
