I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
