just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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