I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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