He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
