we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
