I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
