it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
