This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
