hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
