woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
