@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
