I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
3pm strippers are depressing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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