so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i think i just lost a toe
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
