if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
