You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
