I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I pour the whiskey from now on
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
