My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
