I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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