i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
