whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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