and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Michael Bay diarrhea
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
