o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
this boner is exhausting
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
