omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
