u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
