I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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