I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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