My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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