i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
