The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
