then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
