there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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