Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sext me about skeletons
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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