The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
