Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
