ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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