Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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