I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
